Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
