The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
