Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
