my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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