I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
