Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
