A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
