if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
