I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
