OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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