A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
