Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
