Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
