you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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