I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
