You're a womanizer and a bitch.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
