I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
