I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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