he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
