he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
