Please, let me fuck your mom
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
