the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
