Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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