I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm sobbing to NWA
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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