I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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