definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
