if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Two words: blizzard sex
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
