Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
