My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
