so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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