my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
