Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
