I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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