ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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