I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
