Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The beers last night were like the tears from god
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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