So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
