i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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