I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
