Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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