you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
