I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
