I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The air was thick with penises
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
