Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
