I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
