Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
