This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
