just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
pop tarts are not kleenex
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
