So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
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