It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
