god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
